Lesson 1: Know When to Hold 'em: Attachment Parenting and Lifetime Impacts of Attachment
A child forsaken, waking suddenly,
Whose gaze afeard on all things round doth rove,
And seeth only that it cannot see
The meeting eyes of love.
-George Eliot Middlemarch
A story of two attachments:
My first children were born to me. Eager to meet their
needs I leapt at every whimper. Overwhelmed with love I held them frequently
and carried them everywhere I went to show them the new and exciting world they
were now part of. The answer of each cry and the fulfillment of each need,
built trust between us that has lasted into their teen and early adult years.
The relationships they have created with others have been secure and authentic.
They are capable of self-regulation and emotional intelligence.
My last children were born to our family through foster
care and adoption. Their needs were rarely met. Their cries never brought
someone warm and kind. Mother figures were fleeting and unpredictable. As the
children grew, they never knew what to expect. Trust is low and anxiety high.
Their responses to relationships have been either to distrust and ignore or to
cling in fear. They struggle with self-regulation and are frequently erratic in
their emotional responses.
Getting to the Root: Learning Goals
- What is attachment?
- Who needs attachment?
- What are the styles of attachment?
- What impact does attachment have on children and adults?
- What is your attachment style?
The typical human brain has the same basic needs for development throughout a lifespan, across gender and culture. Attachment is a primary need for human survival and growth (Gervai, 2009). It occurs during critical periods of development. Attachment forms between infant and caregiver. Babies depend on someone to feed, protect, and attend to their physical needs (Giervai, 2009). For human relationships, this is our first experience with an
intimate bond. The way we respond in future relationships has everything to do
with how our needs were met during times of vulnerability and stress (Simpson
& Rholes, 2017). This is the foundation of our social and emotional
development (Kerns & Brumariu, 2013). We learn from birth what to expect
depending on the experiences we have had.
Four main styles of attachment emerge from parent-child
interaction.
Video (Demystifying Medicine McMaster, 2021)
Secure: This style is most often
formed through healthy attachment with caregivers. When needs are met
consistently, trust is the result. Caregivers are the secure base, returned to
for comfort and safety. It is also possible to cultivate this style by learning
emotional intelligence and forming safe attachments. This style consists of low
anxiety and low avoidance of intimacy. Individuals are capable of autonomy and
resilience. They feel worthy and lovable. They can share their needs and
thoughts and rely on others for support (Bartholomew & Horowitz,
1991).
Children
- Prefers
mom & dad over strangers.
- Parents
are homebase/comfort
during stress or fear.
- Can
spend time away from parents without a lot of distress.
- Happy
to be reunited with parents.
Adults
- Healthy
self-esteem
- Connected,
trust-filled relationships
- Ability to be
vulnerable in relationships
- Seeks relationships
of support
Anxious (Insecure): This
style is high in anxiety, but low in intimacy avoidance. It comes with feelings
of being unlovable. Individuals frequently look to others for acceptance. They
may cling for security within relationships, yet not quite trust others to meet
their needs. This style forms when children do not feel confident in their
caregiver’s ability to consistently meet their needs. Anxiety increases,
eventually leading individuals to internalize their needs and stress (Kerns
& Brumariu, 2013).
Children
- Very
distressed by separation from parents
- Clings
to parents
- Hard
for anyone else to console when upset
- less
willing to interact and explore
Adults
- Struggles with
vulnerability and relationships
- Anxious,
clingy, dependent in relationships
- Worries and
does not feel secure in relationships
- Poor
self-esteem
- Needs frequent
reassurance
Anxious (Dismissive): This
style is low in anxiety but high in intimacy avoidance. Individuals eventually
stop seeking to have their needs met by a parent or partner because they have
proven unreliable through experience. This causes feelings of unworthiness and
individuals avoid and reject intimacy in order to protect themselves. Avoidance
and intense independence develop when caregivers consistently do not meet
safety and emotional needs (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
Children
- Does not seek comfort from parents.
- May
not care to reunite after a separation.
- Outwardly
independent but inwardly stressed.
- May
appear not to care when a caregiver leaves.
- They
are not avoidant of strangers and may
appear sociable with strangers.
Adults
- Independent and
competent
- Avoids
emotional intimacy
- May not share
emotions or needs with others
- May have casual
rather than connected relationships
Fearful (Disorganized): This
style is high in both avoidance and anxiety. Fear of rejection and self-protection
are the foundation of this attachment style. Caregivers have provided
terrifying experiences. What should have been a secure base became a symbol of
distrust and fear. Children both love and fear their caregivers. Formed through
abuse, neglect, mocking, deriding, and aggressive responses, fearful attachment
may manifest in emotional dysregulation and aggression. Individuals with this
attachment style struggle to interpret others' emotions (Siegel, 2004).
Children
- High
stress that can damage brain development.
- Doubtful,
suspicious, or uncertain about
interaction
with parents.
- Child
may become parentified, taking on the
caregiver
role in the family (Siegel, 2004).
Adults
- May appear
needy, yet not open and authentic about needs and emotions.
- Toxic and
abusive relationships
- Poor communication as a tool to reduce connection.
Note. The four most common attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful.
Quiz: Find Your Style (Goldman,
2023)
https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-style-quiz-7562460#toc-the-attachment-style-quiz
Getting to the root: Challenge
- Take
the attachment style quiz and find your attachment style.
- Consider
how your attachment formed.
- Consider how your attachment style impacts your current relationships.
References
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles
among young adults: A test of a four category-model. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.226
Demystifying
Medicine McMaster. (2021, August 23). Introduction to Attachment Theory
[Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltnyq4faeH4
Eliot,
G. (1871) Middlemarch. William Blackwood and Sons.
Gervai,
J. (2009). Environmental and genetic influences on early attachment. Child
and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, 3(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/1753-2000-3-25
Goldman,
R. (2023, September 19). What is my attachment style? Verywell Mind.
https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-style-quiz-7562460#toc-the-attachment-style-quiz
Kerns,
K. A., & Brumariu, L. E. (2013). Is insecure parent–child attachment a risk
factor for the development of anxiety in childhood or adolescence? Child
Development Perspectives, 8(1), 12–17.
https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12054
Siegel,
D. J. (2004). Attachment and self-understanding: Parenting with the brain in
mind. Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health, 18(4),
273. https://www.questia.com/library/journal/1P3-1373465381/attachment-and-self-understanding-parenting-with
Simpson,
J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic
relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
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