Lesson 3: Parenting Puzzle: Putting the Pieces Together with Style

 

 

                                                     (Knost, 2013)

Connect the Dots

When my husband and I were first married, we quickly realized that our parents had very different parenting styles. We wondered how we would find a way to balance our backgrounds with our desire to be attached to and nurture our children. One example of our different backgrounds of origin is how much freedom we had to be out on our own as we became teenagers. My husband rode bikes for miles all over the Salt Lake Valley. I lived in a small rural town and was privileged to drive my mom’s car to and from school. My parents would check the mileage on the car to be sure I only went to school and returned.

We hoped to strike a balance in the family we created. Additionally, after our first four children were born, we adopted more children through the Foster Care Foundation. They were parented in a vastly different way from our biological children. Their experience was very erratic, either attention that was obsessive and aggressive, or complete neglect and disconnection. Slowly, through nurturing and enough structure to give them a sense of safety, we were able to integrate them into the lifestyle we had cultivated. We strove for attachment and discipline through the teaching.

Getting to the Root: Learning Goals

• Learn the 4 main parenting styles
• Understand the way you were parented
• If you are a parent, find your style
• Learn how attachment impacts parenting styles

Parenting Styles

Parenting is art, science, and instinct. At the core, it hinges on understanding connected attachment and brain development. Parenting styles influence our children’s social, emotional, and cognitive growth. The foundation of our parenting styles lies in the attachments we formed during our infancy and childhood. By exploring the links between our early childhood, attachment styles, development, and parenting styles, we will discover how to positively impact the well-being of the children in our lives.

First, let’s take a look at the four most common attachment styles identified by Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, and other developmental researchers. Each style is based on parental attentiveness, warmth, responsiveness, and degree of demand (Baumrind, 1967).

Figure 1

Parenting Styles on a Response/Demand Axis




(ParentHelp, 2022)
Note. Parenting styles are based on an axis of demandingness and responsiveness.

Authoritative parenting is high in responsiveness and warmth. It is also high in demand (Baumrind, 1967). This could look like having boundaries and limits that contain flexibility and discussion between parent and child. Discipline is about education and growth, not punishment (Berger, 2020). You might find yourself in this style if your child is securely attached to you. They are able to work, grow, and progress while still coming to you for guidance and comfort. By warmly encouraging developmentally appropriate independence and clear boundaries, children will have higher self-esteem and self-regulation, better social skills, higher emotional intelligence, and greater academic success (Mortazavizadeh et al., 2022).

 
 Permissive parenting is high in responsiveness between parent and child, yet low in demand (Baumrind, 1967). In this style, you might find yourself very indulgent toward your child. Discipline and expectations are lax (Berger, 2020). There are probably few house rules, and they are likely bendable. Expectations for self-control may be low. Whatever your child wants is just fine. There may be great attachment, but little guidance. You feel like best friends. With low expectations of boundaries, children may develop poor self-regulation, higher impulsivity, and greater difficulty in social situations.

Authoritarian parenting is low in warmth and responsiveness, but high in demand (Baumrind, 1967). You might recognize this style if your word is the law, no questions asked, no flexibility (Berger, 2020). Discipline looks more like punishment rather than education. Clear rules and sky-high standards overrule emotions, needs, self-expression, and affection. Obedience without discussion and infrequent affection combine to produce children that develop low self-esteem, high anxiety, low boundaries, high need to please others, and difficulties in social situations.

Neglectful/uninvolved parenting is low in both demand and responsiveness (Baumrind, 1967). It is almost as if parents and children live separate lives. Parents may seem oblivious to their child’s needs or behaviors. While this may seem similar to permissive parenting, the difference is in the attunement and connection (Berger, 2020). Neglectful parents are not responsive to emotional or physical needs which reduces feelings of security and attachment. Many children wish for freedom from rules, but this style of parenting frequently results in significant challenges such as emotional instability, low emotional intelligence, attachment issues, struggles in relationships, and social settings.

Figure 2

Parenting Styles

Note. The four most common styles of parenting.

Take a moment to consider how you were parented. How did this impact your attachment?

If you are a parent, take time to consider which style most closely fits your interactions with your child.

In Lesson 2, we learned that the brain grows rapidly during infancy and early childhood. Secure attachment encourages the development of the prefrontal cortex (the fingers closed over the thumb, in the hand model). This part of the brain contributes to emotional regulation, decision-making, and impulse control. Secure attachment increases the growth of neural pathways in the prefrontal cortex. The outcome is greater empathy, cognition, and social and emotional regulation (Siegel, 2020) 

Figure 3

Hand Model of the Brain

(Learn for Life Occupational Therapy Services, n.d.)
Note. The hand makes a great model of the brain. Beginning with the wrist as the spinal cord. Next is the lower palm or brain stem. The thumb is the limbic region. The fingers represent the cerebral and prefrontal cortex.

Authoritative parenting with its high degree of warmth, responsiveness, support, and expectation is the most likely to create secure attachment and healthy brain development. The other parenting styles, authoritarian and neglectful, interfere with healthy brain development. This leads to a greater stress response in children along with diminished cognition and emotional regulation (Gunnar & Quevedo, 2007)

Encouraging secure attachment through authoritative parenting comes about in a few simple ways.

•  Respond as promptly and sensitively as possible to your child’s needs (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
•  Set boundaries clearly enough that your child understands your expectations. Structure and consistency breed a sense of security (Baumrind, 1967). 
• Encourage your child’s developmentally appropriate independence and decision-making. The ability to
•  explore and return to you as their safe base fosters growth and competence (Sroufe et al., 2005).
•  Communicate openly and consistently. Allow children to express their ideas, feelings, and concerns
•  (Baumrind, 1967).
• Finally, be an example of empathy and understanding. Bonds of love and attachment grow in relationships when each person feels seen and valued (Siegel, 2020).

 

Getting to the Root: Challenge

• Consider how you were parented and how this impacted your attachment style.
• If you are a parent, consider how you parent.
• Make secure attachment your parenting goal.
• Consider ways you can work toward a healthy parenting style.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. PubMed, 75(1), 43–88. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6032134

Berger, K. S. (2020). Developing person through childhood and adolescence. Macmillan Higher Education.

Gunnar, M., & Quevedo, K. (2007). The Neurobiology of stress and Development. Annual Review of Psychology, 58(1), 145–173. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.58.110405.085605

Knost, L. R. (2013). Two thousand kisses a day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages.

Learn for Life Occupational Therapy Services. (n.d.). Hand model of the brain: flipping your lid. https://learnforlifeot.com.au/resources/f/hand-model-of-the-brain-flipping-your-lid

Mortazavizadeh, Z., Göllner, L., & Forstmeier, S. (2022). Emotional competence, attachment, and parenting styles in children and parents. Psicologia, 35(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s41155-022-00208-0

ParentHelp. (2022, February 9). Do you know your parenting style? - Parent Help. Parent Help. https://www.parenthelp.org.nz/parenting-style/

Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Publications.

Sroufe, L. A., Egeland, B., Carlson, E., & Collins, W. A. (2005). The development of the person: The Minnesota study of risk and adaptation from birth to adulthood. New York, NY: Guilford Press.