Lesson 4: Put Me in Coach: The Impact of Emotion Coaching on the Growth of Emotional Intelligence
“A person's identity takes its shape with a relationship with the environment starting with the beginning years of life (Hemarta et al., 2009).”
Connecting the Root: Learning Goals
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions, and to understand another's perspective and emotions. It plays a crucial role in parenting, brain development, and our relationships over a lifespan. Many skills can increase emotional intelligence.
How does your emotional intelligence affect your life? How do you implement emotional intelligence in the roles you play in your life?
Connecting the Dots
Studies on brain development have shown that the brain's frontal lobe fully develops in an individual during their late twenties. It takes time to understand one’s own emotions and social interactions to help understand others. Emotional intelligence begins in the home. The connections we form with those we are closest with will impact our emotional reactions and understanding. The development of our attachment will affect how we carry emotions into our relationships. This has an impact on the perceptions we develop about ourselves and others. The interactions we have as developing individuals greatly impact how we view ourselves.
Based upon our environment, and the interactions we have, we develop what we like to refer to, as cognitive filters. They help us view reality positively and productively or they lead us to develop unhealthy perceptions. How we act on our perceptions leads us to heal or to become more unhealthy. As layers pile up on already skewed perceptions, our lens of negativity colors our beliefs about ourselves or others. This has been my deepest observation in my path of healing, educational process, and self-reflection.
Lyneia: Growing up, I struggled to understand my emotions like any other child, or adolescent. As I became a young teenager, I grappled with relationships at school. This greatly affected my self-image and self-esteem. My mother’s parenting style was more permissive. There were a lot of authoritative aspects to that relationship as well. I was extremely guarded by her, and codependent. I also had more of a permissive relationship with my father. I was a strong-willed child, especially as an adolescent. I felt the constant need to enforce my own independence. My mother and father did the best they could from what they knew. I can truly see that the good things which were planted in my life, came back to me when I needed them most. Parents do the best they can, and no good goes wasted. Because, like every human being, children need to exercise their wills and learn to develop the desire to make the right choices. This includes sometimes learning from experiences that can be painful lessons.
I truly believed I was sheltered too much in some ways, and maybe needed more structure in other ways. The attachment I developed impacted my relationships with others. That in turn, impacted the perspectives I developed about how others saw me. This for me led to crippling anxiety and depression, which left me predisposed to other negative factors. The need to control my life in important aspects led me to act in very unhealthy ways. This showed in the interactions I had with those I felt I could be comfortable around as a developing adult. I developed an eating disorder and other addictions. This became part of how I self-medicated to endure the major discomfort and anxiety that would trigger internal dissatisfaction. It took years, and my faith to overcome what led me down a long dark road. My family relationships have healed over time. The attachment dynamics with my family have healed as we have all taken the time to make progress within our own lives. Because I have become aware of this through education, faith, and putting knowledge into action, I have greater insight into how well these concepts significantly improve quality of life. They also increase emotional intelligence.
This is my personal story. I share this because it is how I have seen attachment, parenting styles, and development intermingle within my own life. This is how I have personally developed emotional intelligence. I share my story of hope. Awareness and healing can always take place, no matter what comes in life. I now have my story to share, and it brings me more healing and joy to share it with others. Awareness of your situation is always the first step toward action. The concepts we have discussed throughout this course have given me the emotional intelligence to better understand myself, and others around me. I now have more awareness of my need for daily self-improvement. We hope you feel inspired to take action in your own life and relationships.
Parenting Styles
Parenting styles have a significant impact on the way emotional intelligence forms. Dr. John Gottman, a professor and psychologist has researched the concept of emotion coaching as an aspect of parenting. Emotion coaching is when parents recognize and acknowledge their child’s emotions, empathize, and then guide the child through management and recognition of their own feelings (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). This approach matches the most closely with the authoritative parenting style. It is in great contrast to authoritarian and negligent/dismissive. Disapproving and harsher parenting styles leave children feeling misunderstood, and negative about themselves, and cause them to struggle with emotional regulation (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997).
Emotionally intelligent parenting increases secure attachment. This is because communication is open and parents respond to emotions with warmth and caring. According to psychologist Daniel Siegel (2012), secure attachment is associated with optimal brain development, self-control, co-regulation, and emotional regulation. Children thrive with secure attachments. They are more likely to develop emotional intelligence because they feel safe to experience and express their emotions in a supportive relationship.
Being able to regulate one’s own emotions is essential to fully understand another’s emotions. This is the reason attachment is tied to emotional intelligence. In previous lessons, we have learned how the brain works and develops depending on our environment and attachment. Everything combines to have a major impact on what foundation we begin with in the world of emotional intelligence. As we progress into adulthood, the brain reaches full development. As we continue to have social interactions, gain experience, and form attachments beyond our parents, our cognitive ability increases as the frontal lobe reaches maturity. Human beings are social creatures. One of our basic needs is attachment and the safety it creates.
Look at this classic example of our hierarchy of needs. When our basic needs go unmet, everything that comes after (self-esteem, growth, creativity, emotional intelligence) will fail to develop properly (Maslow, 2007).
Figure 1
Figure 2
Connecting the Root: Learning Goals
- Understand what emotional intelligence is.
- Through self-evaluation, understand what aspects of emotional intelligence you apply to yourself and your relationships.
- Understand how brain development, attachment, and parenting styles are connected to emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions, and to understand another's perspective and emotions. It plays a crucial role in parenting, brain development, and our relationships over a lifespan. Many skills can increase emotional intelligence.
How does your emotional intelligence affect your life? How do you implement emotional intelligence in the roles you play in your life?
Connecting the Dots
Studies on brain development have shown that the brain's frontal lobe fully develops in an individual during their late twenties. It takes time to understand one’s own emotions and social interactions to help understand others. Emotional intelligence begins in the home. The connections we form with those we are closest with will impact our emotional reactions and understanding. The development of our attachment will affect how we carry emotions into our relationships. This has an impact on the perceptions we develop about ourselves and others. The interactions we have as developing individuals greatly impact how we view ourselves.
Based upon our environment, and the interactions we have, we develop what we like to refer to, as cognitive filters. They help us view reality positively and productively or they lead us to develop unhealthy perceptions. How we act on our perceptions leads us to heal or to become more unhealthy. As layers pile up on already skewed perceptions, our lens of negativity colors our beliefs about ourselves or others. This has been my deepest observation in my path of healing, educational process, and self-reflection.
Lyneia: Growing up, I struggled to understand my emotions like any other child, or adolescent. As I became a young teenager, I grappled with relationships at school. This greatly affected my self-image and self-esteem. My mother’s parenting style was more permissive. There were a lot of authoritative aspects to that relationship as well. I was extremely guarded by her, and codependent. I also had more of a permissive relationship with my father. I was a strong-willed child, especially as an adolescent. I felt the constant need to enforce my own independence. My mother and father did the best they could from what they knew. I can truly see that the good things which were planted in my life, came back to me when I needed them most. Parents do the best they can, and no good goes wasted. Because, like every human being, children need to exercise their wills and learn to develop the desire to make the right choices. This includes sometimes learning from experiences that can be painful lessons.
I truly believed I was sheltered too much in some ways, and maybe needed more structure in other ways. The attachment I developed impacted my relationships with others. That in turn, impacted the perspectives I developed about how others saw me. This for me led to crippling anxiety and depression, which left me predisposed to other negative factors. The need to control my life in important aspects led me to act in very unhealthy ways. This showed in the interactions I had with those I felt I could be comfortable around as a developing adult. I developed an eating disorder and other addictions. This became part of how I self-medicated to endure the major discomfort and anxiety that would trigger internal dissatisfaction. It took years, and my faith to overcome what led me down a long dark road. My family relationships have healed over time. The attachment dynamics with my family have healed as we have all taken the time to make progress within our own lives. Because I have become aware of this through education, faith, and putting knowledge into action, I have greater insight into how well these concepts significantly improve quality of life. They also increase emotional intelligence.
This is my personal story. I share this because it is how I have seen attachment, parenting styles, and development intermingle within my own life. This is how I have personally developed emotional intelligence. I share my story of hope. Awareness and healing can always take place, no matter what comes in life. I now have my story to share, and it brings me more healing and joy to share it with others. Awareness of your situation is always the first step toward action. The concepts we have discussed throughout this course have given me the emotional intelligence to better understand myself, and others around me. I now have more awareness of my need for daily self-improvement. We hope you feel inspired to take action in your own life and relationships.
Parenting Styles
Parenting styles have a significant impact on the way emotional intelligence forms. Dr. John Gottman, a professor and psychologist has researched the concept of emotion coaching as an aspect of parenting. Emotion coaching is when parents recognize and acknowledge their child’s emotions, empathize, and then guide the child through management and recognition of their own feelings (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). This approach matches the most closely with the authoritative parenting style. It is in great contrast to authoritarian and negligent/dismissive. Disapproving and harsher parenting styles leave children feeling misunderstood, and negative about themselves, and cause them to struggle with emotional regulation (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997).
Emotionally intelligent parenting increases secure attachment. This is because communication is open and parents respond to emotions with warmth and caring. According to psychologist Daniel Siegel (2012), secure attachment is associated with optimal brain development, self-control, co-regulation, and emotional regulation. Children thrive with secure attachments. They are more likely to develop emotional intelligence because they feel safe to experience and express their emotions in a supportive relationship.
Being able to regulate one’s own emotions is essential to fully understand another’s emotions. This is the reason attachment is tied to emotional intelligence. In previous lessons, we have learned how the brain works and develops depending on our environment and attachment. Everything combines to have a major impact on what foundation we begin with in the world of emotional intelligence. As we progress into adulthood, the brain reaches full development. As we continue to have social interactions, gain experience, and form attachments beyond our parents, our cognitive ability increases as the frontal lobe reaches maturity. Human beings are social creatures. One of our basic needs is attachment and the safety it creates.
Look at this classic example of our hierarchy of needs. When our basic needs go unmet, everything that comes after (self-esteem, growth, creativity, emotional intelligence) will fail to develop properly (Maslow, 2007).
Figure 1
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Note. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs describes human needs from the most basic (physiological) to the passion and creativity that can be reached when more basic needs are met.
Social and relational dysfunction can stem from poor attachment styles in our early years. Recognizing your own attachment and setting goals can be the first step towards adding to the quality of the relationships in your life, and ultimately, the quality of your own life. This includes improving the skills that make social interactions more effective. We do this through the ability to understand our own emotions. We can implement tools of communication to express our emotions effectively, and also be able to understand others' perspectives and emotions.
Elements of Emotional Intelligence
Dr. Daniel Goleman (1995), a psychologist and emotional intelligence researcher has found four domains of emotional intelligence.
Note. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs describes human needs from the most basic (physiological) to the passion and creativity that can be reached when more basic needs are met.
Social and relational dysfunction can stem from poor attachment styles in our early years. Recognizing your own attachment and setting goals can be the first step towards adding to the quality of the relationships in your life, and ultimately, the quality of your own life. This includes improving the skills that make social interactions more effective. We do this through the ability to understand our own emotions. We can implement tools of communication to express our emotions effectively, and also be able to understand others' perspectives and emotions.
Elements of Emotional Intelligence
Dr. Daniel Goleman (1995), a psychologist and emotional intelligence researcher has found four domains of emotional intelligence.
Self-awareness is knowing your own internal state. What do you prefer? What internal resources do you have that you can count on? This is where your intuition resides.
Self-management is how you manage your impulses, internal resources, and emotional state.
Social awareness is where your empathy originates. Awareness of others’ needs and feelings increases our concern and impacts the kind of relationships we have.
Relationship management is the skill and ability you have when relating to others and their responses (Goleman, 195).
Reflect on the areas you are either weak or strong to increase your self-awareness.
Reflect on the areas you are either weak or strong to increase your self-awareness.
Figure 2
Emotional Intelligence Domains and Competencies
Note. The four domains of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relational management. Competence in these areas facilitates emotional intelligence.
Note. The four domains of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relational management. Competence in these areas facilitates emotional intelligence.
The best way to increase your emotional intelligence is to pay attention to your feelings. Take time to go beyond your anger, sadness, happiness, or fear. Consider the layers of emotions that you move through daily.
Take a look at our emotion wheel and become familiar with the depth and richness of your emotional capacity. Emotions are layered. You can feel many things at once, even emotions that may be conflicting.
Figure 3
Take a look at our emotion wheel and become familiar with the depth and richness of your emotional capacity. Emotions are layered. You can feel many things at once, even emotions that may be conflicting.
Figure 3
Wheel of Emotions
Note. The wheel of emotions provides in-depth associations and gradients of emotion.
Note. The wheel of emotions provides in-depth associations and gradients of emotion.
Next, consider your reactions and behavior associated with the way you feel. Are you overwhelmed? Are you trying to remove yourself from feeling? Awareness of your reactions will increase self-management.
And finally, take care of your body and mind with rest, physical activity, grounding, mindfulness exercises, and a healthy diet.
Emotion Coaching for Parents (And yourself, if you are just beginning.)
Children learn from the environment. Like tiny sponges, everything sinks in. As the most important part of their environment, they look to their parents for feedback (The Gottman Institute, 2009). Emotion coaching is the way we can give feedback that fosters an intimate attachment and emotional validation. It offers a powerful framework for both parent and child to grow in emotional intelligence. Emotional validation transforms everyday interactions into an atmosphere of empathy, trust, and deeper connection.
Are you ready, coach? Here are five simple steps: (Marshall, 2023)
Step 1:Pay attention to your child's emotions. Listen intently. Your interest conveys to your child that she is important and valued. Awareness of your own emotions will parlay into empathy. Empathy allows us to step into their little shoes. This is the magical space where connection happens.
Step 2: Validate the emotions you see. Begin by labeling them so that your child has the words to put to her feelings. This does not mean you accept or agree with behaviors that arise from their emotions. But you can recognize your child is having a personal experience. Validation creates a sense of safety and well-being.
Below is the Feel Wheel to help you engage with STEP 2 (Printable Feelings Wheel for Kids and Adults - iMOM, 2021). If you can name it, you can tame it!
Figure 4
And finally, take care of your body and mind with rest, physical activity, grounding, mindfulness exercises, and a healthy diet.
Emotion Coaching for Parents (And yourself, if you are just beginning.)
Children learn from the environment. Like tiny sponges, everything sinks in. As the most important part of their environment, they look to their parents for feedback (The Gottman Institute, 2009). Emotion coaching is the way we can give feedback that fosters an intimate attachment and emotional validation. It offers a powerful framework for both parent and child to grow in emotional intelligence. Emotional validation transforms everyday interactions into an atmosphere of empathy, trust, and deeper connection.
Are you ready, coach? Here are five simple steps: (Marshall, 2023)
Step 1:Pay attention to your child's emotions. Listen intently. Your interest conveys to your child that she is important and valued. Awareness of your own emotions will parlay into empathy. Empathy allows us to step into their little shoes. This is the magical space where connection happens.
Step 2: Validate the emotions you see. Begin by labeling them so that your child has the words to put to her feelings. This does not mean you accept or agree with behaviors that arise from their emotions. But you can recognize your child is having a personal experience. Validation creates a sense of safety and well-being.
Below is the Feel Wheel to help you engage with STEP 2 (Printable Feelings Wheel for Kids and Adults - iMOM, 2021). If you can name it, you can tame it!
Figure 4
Feel Wheel
Attachment, brain development, parenting styles, and emotional intelligence coexist and overlap in ways that impact our relationships. Each of these is a root that must be addressed to see the fruits of happiness, wholeness, and healthy attachment.
Connecting the Root: Challenge
Now that you have completed the four online lessons, please use THIS survey to help us collect data. Your answers will help us tailor our curriculum for a better experience and complete our final assessment for graduation. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeloHjvhnvd1l_zRfjZ9cjXjWfCjCDFukHUDG4bdm3bywM38A/viewform?usp=sf_link
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA28658620
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: how to raise an emotionally intelligent child. https://openlibrary.org/books/OL28950592M/Heart_of_Parenting
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J., & Declaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Simon and Schuster.
Hamarta, E., Deniz, M. E., & Saltali, N. (2009). Attachment styles as a predictor of emotional intelligence. Educational Sciences: Theory and Practice, 9(1), 213-229.
Marshall, A. (2023).
https://www.blogger.com/u/1/blog/post/edit/6710177560139936626/4458484785117275231?hl=en-GB
Maslow, A. H. (2007). A dynamic Theory of human motivation. In Howard Allen Publishers eBooks (pp. 26–47). https://doi.org/10.1037/11305-004
Printable Feelings Wheel for kids and adults - IMOM. (2021, September 13). iMOM. https://www.imom.com/printable/printable-feelings-wheel/
Note. The simplified wheel of feelings is good for beginners and children. Emotional associations and gradients are illustrated within the wheel.
Follow the link to print and use with yourself or your family.
https://www.imom.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/feel-wheel-ages5-12-long-scaled.jpg
Step 3: Help your child understand where the emotions are coming from. What event just occurred? Where can he feel the emotions in his body? What does it feel like?
Step 4: Set limits. If the emotion has led to misbehavior make it clear that the emotions are normal and have value. Limit their expression to acceptable ways of behavior and interactions.
Step 5: Problem-solve together. Brainstorm acceptable ways of expressing overwhelming emotions. Find mutually beneficial solutions that preserve the emotional connection between you and your child (Gottman & DeClaire, 1998).
Roots of Connection: Wrap It Up Video
Attachment, brain development, parenting styles, and emotional intelligence coexist and overlap in ways that impact our relationships. Each of these is a root that must be addressed to see the fruits of happiness, wholeness, and healthy attachment.
Connecting the Root: Challenge
- Ponder your domains of emotional intelligence. Acknowledge where you are weak and where you are strong.
- Use the feelings wheel to address your emotions or to help emotion coach others by validating their feelings.
- Resolve to connect the dots between attachment, brain development, parenting styles, and emotional intelligence to determine how to take steps forward in emotional health and well-being.
Now that you have completed the four online lessons, please use THIS survey to help us collect data. Your answers will help us tailor our curriculum for a better experience and complete our final assessment for graduation. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeloHjvhnvd1l_zRfjZ9cjXjWfCjCDFukHUDG4bdm3bywM38A/viewform?usp=sf_link
References
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA28658620
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: how to raise an emotionally intelligent child. https://openlibrary.org/books/OL28950592M/Heart_of_Parenting
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J., & Declaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Simon and Schuster.
Hamarta, E., Deniz, M. E., & Saltali, N. (2009). Attachment styles as a predictor of emotional intelligence. Educational Sciences: Theory and Practice, 9(1), 213-229.
Marshall, A. (2023).
https://www.blogger.com/u/1/blog/post/edit/6710177560139936626/4458484785117275231?hl=en-GB
Maslow, A. H. (2007). A dynamic Theory of human motivation. In Howard Allen Publishers eBooks (pp. 26–47). https://doi.org/10.1037/11305-004
Printable Feelings Wheel for kids and adults - IMOM. (2021, September 13). iMOM. https://www.imom.com/printable/printable-feelings-wheel/
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